You probably heard the saying “If it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger”. Or if you a fan of Kelly Clarkson, you probably know her song “Stronger”, in which the first line of its refrain says, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. The first time I heard this phrase is when I was attending a workshop many Valentine ago. The lecturer asks one of the participants to come to the front and present something. I forgot what it was. All I remember she was hesitated, afraid. Then the lecture says something this to her, “don’t be scared. Give it a try. It surely won’t kill you. If it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger!”.
What I understand from that incident is that the phrase means when we step out of our Comfort Zone and doing something we fear – less the risk of death – will make us stronger, no matter the outcome. It is equally applied to the baby as well as an adult. The first step of walking for a baby, will lead to a stronger foot, which in turn will make them able to walk. Making the first “public speaking” – in school or at work – might scares you to death, but once you get the hang of it, you will find it easier the second time, the third time, and so on.
Is this always the case? Does doing something we dread will automatically make us stronger, whatever the results were? Sadly, the answer is NO. There are people who after trying to do something they are afraid of, decided not to do it again. Ever. Though they came out of the experience “alive”, it makes them weaker, not stronger.
I believe there are two reasons behind this. First, because the experience itself could be considered a failure. I remember watching a 10-year old boy trying to ride a bicycle. After an hour of trying and countless falls, he gave up. Never want to ride a bike. It just too much for him, I guess.
This is not just a kid issue. It happens to a grown-up too. I heard many tales of professionals who, after got a lot of complaints and criticism in their debut presentation, decide that public presentation is not for them. “I can make a good presentation, but I can’t deliver it well.” That was their excuse.
The same is true for those who put in a leadership position the first time. Trying to do their best to lead, only to get many resistances from their team. Then they concluded, “I’m not cut out to be a leader.” Similar cases also sometimes happen to people who try to learn swimming, singing, or maybe bungee jumping. Some of them give up after the first or second trial turns bad for them.
The second reason, related to the first one, is because of their PERCEPTION of the experience. The incident may not be a disastrous one, but they may perceive it as a total failure. For instance, a young employee, due to its technical competencies, is promoted as the leader of a team of 5 people. One of them happens to be an older employee. This generation gap creates tension between the two which got worse over time. During this period, the new team leader does not have any problem with the other 4 team members, as they happen to be around the same age bracket as the leader.
In less than 3 months the silent conflict culminated in an open, heavy quarrel in broad daylight. Everybody knows about it and sure enough, everybody talks about it. No wonder if this young leader perceives the incident as a total failure in his side because as far as he knows, this kind of incident never happens in the company before. What do you think the ending will be?
Unfortunately, he chose to resign as a leader because he only sees the conflict. He did not count the fact that he has a good relationship with the other of his teammates. He also discounts the fact that he manages to keep it cool in the first 2 months. And yes, some damage has been done to his reputation, but this is not an unrepairable one. If he can improve his relationship with the old chap, it will increase his credibility in front of his team, his colleagues, and even his boss.
Circling back to our current situation. What this has to do with us in this pandemic? We can get three lessons that we can apply right now:
- Let us believe that we will come out of this situation, alive, well, and stronger. Only with such conviction in our mind, we can pass through this situation with a winner’s medal in our hand. Yes, we cannot overlook the fact that there are people who pass away because of the covid-19. At the same time, which one do you prefer to be: believe they are going to die and yet manage to live and tell the story; or, continue to believe they will get well, up to their last breath? The former is the pessimist, the zombie, the looser. The latter is the optimist, the winner, the hero.
- Let us embrace this situation as an opportunity to grow. Grow in our ability to manage our attitude and stress, increase our communication skills, and improve our relationship with people around us and our team. We can also grow in our self-confidence through doing things ourselves (that we use to ask others for help), doing things differently (working from home push us to re-arrange our lifestyle and habit), or be more confident in doing new things. Stop regretting the past and move on.
- Let us perceive failure as an opportunity to learn, not the end of the world. We are prone to fail when we go out of our comfort zone and learn new things. When we fail, we try again. When we fail the second time, try another approach. Fail the third time, take a step back, evaluate, and restart. Never give up.
Other than those that get stronger and those that get weaker, there is a third kind of people: those who don’t feel a thing. Like somebody going out of a burning house without a scratch. They just remain the same, while everybody else has managed to adapt to the situation – for better or worse. This is like a train passenger who passes through a very beautiful landscape, asleep.
Covid-19 most probably will not kill us physically. But fear and anxiety may kill us mentally. Let us not let it happen. Let us make sure that we are not going through it “asleep” but coming out better. Remember, what does not kill us – physically or mentally – will make us stronger.
Joshua Siregar – Dale Carnegie Indonesia Senior Trainer
